Hi Romance Junkies!
No matter how many times I blog about BDSM, it never seems to be enough. Another week will pass and another reader will say something about how ‘wrong’ and ‘unhealthy’ the BDSM relationships in my books THE SIREN and THE ANGEL are. For a kinky woman, it’s disheartening to be living a 24/7 D/s relationship that is fun and vibrant and comfortable and happy and to read someone who knows nothing of the lifestyle tell you that you’re somehow doing love wrong.
So I suppose I’ll keep yakking until I’m mute and typing until my hands fall of trying to get it through people’s heads that D/s relationships are just as healthy and valid as vanilla relationships.
D/s stands for Dominant/submissive or Dominance/submission. The D is capitalized because those of us in the BDSM world take the hierarchy seriously. A friend said to me that in a fair and just world the ‘s’ in submissive would also be capitalized. Well, where’s the fun in that? Might as well be vanilla. ::shudder::
Since I’m in a D/s relationship and have played sub to several very experienced Dominants and sadists in the past including the exquisite Mistress Jeanette, a real NYC Dominatrix. I feel confident that I can tell you what D/s is and what it is not.
D/s is NOT sexist toward women.
Yes, most Doms are male and most subs are female. But Dommes (female Dominants) are awarded as much or more respect in the BDSM community than male Dominants. Not all subs are women. Many gay couples engage in D/s so the Dom is male and so is the sub. And there’s not much in the world hotter than FemDom/femsub (at least to me). Also many straight men have submissive sides. Some men merely wish to be handcuffed and sexually used every now and then by their wives or girlfriends. Some men desire 24/7 dominance from a powerful man or woman. Male and female are not the only genders in the BDSM world. You’re a Dom or a sub or a Switch and that’s what matters most.
D/s is NOT violent.
Yes, you can get hurt engaging in BDSM. But you can get hurt playing soccer with your kids too. Hurt is kind of the point in a BDSM relationship. Maybe you enjoy light spanking. Maybe you want to be caned until you’re black and blue. The operative words here are “you want.” The submissive chooses the level of pain they desire and the Dominant and/or the sadist supplies it. It’s consensual. It’s pre-arranged and negotiated. It is safe.
D/s is NOT something sick and twisted people do.
Get on my Twitter feed. Do I seem mentally ill to you? I have a multi-book deal, a wonderful boyfriend, a stable day job, two silly cats, parents who love me, lots of friends, and no history of mental illness. I’m fine. I’m groovy. I’m golden. I’m totally into being dominated in the bedroom. Being happy and healthy AND being kinky are not mutually exclusive. Most kinksters I know are indistinguishable from the general population. Saying we’re mentally ill because we like to play this kind of bedroom game is as silly as saying football players are mentally ill because they like to run in hot weather and get sacked by giant men. Okay, maybe they are mentally ill. Bad example.
D/s IS a game
It’s a game in the sense that two people are taking on roles, playing them, and enjoying them. The pain is real. The submission and respect is real. The sex and pleasure are VERY real. But the Dominant doesn’t actually own the submissive. Slavery was outlawed in 1865. No one can actually own another person or legally force another person to do their sexual bidding. It’s a willing choice on the part of the submissive to give him or herself to the Dominant. The best part about the D/s game is that as long as the partners are into it, and the scene is well-played, everybody wins.
D/s IS a lifestyle
For some couples, the D/s extends outside the bedroom. How do I know this? I’m in a 24/7 D/s relationship. What does that mean? I explained it some friends recently thusly: “You’d never be able to tell we were D/s if you hung out with us. We have a totally normal relationship. Except in our relationship, he gets the final say on all big decisions. There’s less reason to fight if the argument already has a pre-determined winner.” My boyfriend is the smartest man I know. It’s easy to say “yes, sir” when you trust that person’s judgment implicitly. He makes the decisions based on his brilliance and my input, I accept those decisions, and our relationship trundles on happily. With him in charge, I have less to stress about and more time to write. In case you think this is at all sexist, you should know one thing—making ours a D/s relationship? That was my idea.
D/s IS a blast
There are some books out there that portray D/s relationships as dark and dangerous. I won’t name any names but I think you know what I’m talking about. It’s giggle-inducing for us real kinksters to read anything where the Dominant is portrayed as damaged and fucked up. We know too many Dominants who are doctors and lawyers and dads and husbands (or wives and mothers) and friends and lovers to think of them as anything other than good people who like a little spice in their love lives. Submissives aren’t weak—they’re men and women who know exactly what they want in the bedroom and aren’t afraid to ask for it. Dominants aren’t abusive—they’re men and women who want to use their desire to be in control to please their sub. It’s a beautiful partnership and nothing to be ashamed of or label as “fucked up.” That’s not D/s. That’s B.S.
That’s it! Got any questions? Tweet me @tiffanyreisz or comment below!
Blurb for Siren
THE SIREN centers on character Nora Sutherlin, an erotica writer and the hottest author in the fastest growing market in publishing. Nora has the entire industry buzzing about her new manuscript. But editor Zachary Easton, who left London for New York to escape a failing marriage and to work with the best young writers in America, isn’t convinced. He agrees to work with the notorious novelist on the condition that she rewrite her manuscript from start to finish within 6 weeks. Nora is determined to show Zach that while she may have a sinful reputation for play, she’s deadly serious when it comes to her writing.
As their partnership deepens, Nora brings Zach to her private club—an elite underground organization in the sexual subculture of BDSM, where Nora is a famed professional dominatrix. But Zach knows a thing or two about punishment himself and with Nora’s deadline looming, he isn’t going to ease her suffering until her book is perfect. After all, Nora understands that pain and pleasure are flip sides of the same page.
The Angel blurb
Her host, the wealthy and uninhibited Griffin Fiske, is thrilled to have Nora stay at his country estate, especially once he meets her traveling companion. Young, inexperienced and angelically beautiful, Michael has become Nora’s protégé, and this summer with Griffin is going to be his training, where the hazing never ends.
But while her flesh is willing, Nora’s mind is wandering. To thoughts of Søren, her master, under investigation by a journalist with an ax to grind. And to another man from Nora’s past, whose hold on her is less bruising, but whose secrets are no less painful. It’s a summer that will prove the old adage: love hurts.